I want to get a few things straight. Although i do not owe anybody any explaination on how i behave (or living my life without her)
1. I AM NOT MOURNING HER ALL THE TIME
Please understand that i am living my life as normal as i can and making the best of everyday and everybody around me. I appreciate my husband, my Harith, my parents and my whole family and friends. Of course there are times when i miss her so much, and i will be overwhelmed by emotions. It's a process i have to go through every now and then. you can be there for me if you want to and you can choose to ignore me, i will still be fine. It's an emotional ride and i just have to ride it. I will be fine when the ride is over. Of course i would feel like shit during it, but i just have to go through it.
So please dont give me comments as if im a lunatic psycho woman who is writing to her dead child (at least not all the time).
2. THIS IS MY ONLY WAY TO FEEL AS IF IM COMMUNICATING WITH HER
If you havnt noticed, the letters that i've been writing are addressed to none other than my
Maryam. This is the only way of communication i have with her. I rather type here than spend my afternoons next to her Castle and talking there. (now that's a crazy sight).
So enough with the comments like
"saya rasa awak masih terikat dengan arwah"
"reading your blog made me uncomfortable"
of course i terikat ngan maryam. we are bonded by blood, sweat, tears, laughters. she spent 9 months in my womb, next to my beating heart and you expect me to forget about her the moment they laid her to rest?! try putting yourself in my shoes.
If my writing makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should stop reading, not i stop writing.
3. SHE IS STILL MARYAM, EVEN IF SHE IS NOT PHYSICALLY HERE
PLEASE, PLEASE do not address her as 'arwah'. She will always be my Maryam. My Maryam. Not an 'arwah'. Never an 'arwah'.
So please, .. if you want to talk with me about her, just say her name. i would be happy to hear you to say her name. That would prove that my Maryam was real. And you remember her. And that she mattered. It would prove you still know her name, even when she is only with us in our doa.
Because keeping her legacy alive is my survival.
laaa kat sini pun ada orang kacau jugak? kak baya ingat tempat kak baya jer... you are right, you don't owe any explanation to them. suka hatilah nak tulis pasal apa..
ReplyDeletebtw, i like maryam's turqoisse dress kat gambar sebelaj kanan dia... so cute...
dah lama orang kacau kak. malam ni dah tak tahan dah. some of them meant well, maybe cara depa tak kena or i yg sensitif sangat (again and again i find myself making excuses for people!!!!)
ReplyDeleteBaju tu biasa la, Tok dia belikan. :)
ReplyDeletemasalah la manusia ni.nama pn blog sndiri.suka atila nk komen @ nk cqita apa pn.kalo dh xcomfortable,xyah baca.xdak sapa pn paksa suruh baca.hanis,juz ignore org bermasalah cmni.
ReplyDeletestuju sgt..ignore je..
ReplyDeletei love ur letter...very sincere=)
saya setuju, writing to maryam will ease yr pain. keep writing to her mama, pedulikan orang-orang yang tak betul tu.
ReplyDeleteThis is yr blog, saya suka dan saya sentiasa nanti-nantikan entry dan gambar-gambar maryam, comel sangat ...
dear, u pernah mentioned to me, blog ni tempat utk kite syok sendiri.... suka hati kite lah nak ss ker, nak terpekik melolong ker, nak melalak ker. kisah apa pun....
ReplyDeletedah sememang Maryam princess di hati kita, so what??!!
pedulikan dear... teruskan jer...
luv : shana
baya : i pun suka gambar tu..... i kidnap gambar tu letak kat blog.....
ReplyDeleteshana
Salam Mamamarya,
ReplyDeleteJust ignore those commenter. Sapa suruh baca kalau tak comfortable. Walaupun saya ngaku setiap kali datang sini mata saya berair, tapi saya datang juga. Manataknya, anak saya pun nama maryam, tua 5 hari dari Maryam awam. Rambut kerinting pun macam Maryam awak.
love,
Mamamarya
Salam another Mamamaryam,
ReplyDeleteAwak ada blog tak? teringin nak tengok gambar Maryam awak.
i haf been readin ur blog..n wen u had to go to the extend to address certain people..its so unfair to u..i jus wonder y people read the blogs without emotion..baby Maryam is so cute..my favorite pic of her is the one in tudung..i would kiss her cheek if i c her..!! i love kids...
ReplyDeletebe strong ok? take care...
cumel...krinting mcm aku.org kerinting mmg cumel...u know me,kn?
ReplyDeleteluv,
basha the rock@macho
bangang orang hat cakap lebih2 tuh....aku hat miscarriage 7 weeks of pregnancy pon sedey sampai la...depa leh plak nak komplen pasai hanis sedey pasai maryam...kita terima takdir Allah tapi kita ada hati...ada perasaan...so please understand...tak suka jangan singgah sini...jangan komplen...
ReplyDeleteDear All,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your support and understanding.
We can never repay your doa to our little princess.
Salam Mama Maryam
ReplyDeleteI nie dok jadi SR kat blog u, eversince you bercerita kat forum. Well, I am also mourning for the loss of fiancee whom passed away October 2009. I know very well what you are going through and how you feel. There are times when kita rasa ok and there are times memang kita rasa sedih dan rindu serindu-rindunya.
In fact, I got myself a book as to find out whether I am merely mourning atau memang dh nak giler. According to the book, writing (either by way of blog ke, diary ke) is a way we let go our feelings and then the healing process will start.
Tak pe, pedulikan lah orang2 yang ignorant macam tu. Mereka tak rasa apa yang kita rasa....and maybe people mourn and react in different way....
Hugs from Me
XX Linda XX
alahai kelakanye ade yang rase tak senang with ur writing, it's about your daughter bukan their daughter, so why they do bother. funny people are everywhere, because it's easy to be one.
ReplyDeleteApparently by having this blog, i tak 'redha' i tak 'melihat rahmat disebalik pemergian' Maryam.
ReplyDeleteI yg tau i redha ke tak... cuma i ada hati yang kadang-kadang rindukan my little princess.
tu ja...
Salam mamamaryam,
ReplyDeleteBoleh bagi awak punya emel. Nanti saya boleh poskan gambar maryam saya..BTW saya tak ada blog.
mamamaryam
salam,
ReplyDeleteemail saya nurul.hanis@gmail.com
Dear MamaMaryam,
ReplyDeletebaru sempat nak tinggal komen...regarding those comments left for you, i have one thing to say "apa punya manusia daa?"
Just remember, youlah emak Maryam, dunia akhirat....what is more terikat than that? Take care.
kak, people who has not gone thru what we had won't understand our feelings, though try they might.
ReplyDeletesaya pun tak suka org bahasakan anak saya dgn arwah. saya suka org sebut nama dia, Nisa. ada org memang takut nak sebut, takut kita sedih, tapi dorg tahu ke memang kita sedih setiap hari ingatkan anak itu? cuma kita tak perlu dan tak ingin menangis setiap hari. we have other ways. mcm saya, setiap kali keluar rumah mesti saya cakap, "baby, ikut umi ye". dan waktu tido pun saya tido dgn kain yg menutup jasadnya seblm dia dikapankan. gambar Nisa yg saya ada pun gambar yg diambil oleh nurse selepas saya melahirkan dia. Tu pun ayah saya tak kasi saya ambil gambarnya, sebab dah tak bernyawa, kan. Jiwa ni, Allah saja yang tahu. Tapi bila membayangkan Nisa di syurga, tersenyum dalam tawa saya dibuatnya. Alhamdulillah.
Zai,
ReplyDeleteim so sorry about your daughter. akak tak tau pulak pasal cerita awak. dia pergi dalam kandungan ke?
a'ah kak, 9mths dlm kandungan. a few days je to the due date. tapi Allah lebih sayangkan dia, kan. saya terkilan jugak tak pernah dgr tangisan dia. tapi mungkin ada baiknya, supaya saya tak terlalu sedih. but i still love her as much, kak. selepas tu, saya berdoa supaya diberikan anak lelaki sahaja. sebab saya tak nak pengganti Nisa.
ReplyDeleteAlhamdulillah, Allah makbulkan. Saya dah ada dua anak lelaki sekarang. Yg tua hampir 5 tahun. Dan dia pun saya didik supaya sayangkan kakaknya dan sentiasa tentangnya.
hurm.......... tak payah amek tau ape org lain ckp.. dulu i used to care what ever ppl say to me.. but after dat i realized.... if its for good i take, if its just for the sake of giving negative to me.. i juz ignore... bukan dia pun yg bg kita duit, belanja makan pakai.... kan?
ReplyDeletetruely i enjoy bc letter to maryam ni.. even mesti mengalir air mata psl i hv one son like age of maryam..
psl sebut arwah2... i pun x suka org sebut arwah ayah i... i akan ckp ayah... coz dia still and will alive in my heart.. smpai skang i mourning psl dia.... psl he such a great man to me! really he is.. bila i sedih.. nanes... i call ayah ayah ayah.... coz i used to hug him when i sick, sad.. stress.. kdg2 smpai i pk.. why he? why not other dad's? but i cpt2 mengucap psl tkt terkeluar akidah sbb x terima takdir Allah kan?
so... mama maryam.. tulis je ape yg u rasa baik/bagus nak tulis... no offend from me at all....
-anne83-
salam mamamaryam,
ReplyDeletei just love reading your posts abt maryam. she was so cute & cheeky!!! Kalau ini adalah salah satu cara melepaskan rindu pada Maryam, please write more & more! i cant wait for your next post!
al-fatihah
~ Mama Gia