My conversation with Cik Cik

Dear Maryam,

There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you. I just do not know where to start. Last weekend Tok Uncle mentioned that he can see from Abam Harith's gestures towards another kid that he is missing Maryam. I wanted to tell how Abam said Maryam wanted to see Mama and Bapak a few weeks ago but i could not. I felt tears brimming and i know it would burst if i talk about you. So i'll put up a conversation with Cik Cik and maybe i'll explain from there.

me: salam cik, actually a couple of weeks ago, harith woke up saturday morning and said "Baby want to see bapak and mama"

cik: How was he when he spoke that?

me: mcm sedih sikit

it came across almost like a whisper

not his usual loud statement

cik: 'See" could mean in spirit. You and Bian baca Yassin banyak banyak for her. And explain to Harith that both of you always see Maryam. I think you may have to speak about Maryam freely so that Harith does not feel as if Maryam has been left out of circulation, without understanding why.

Sme: we only talk about her with harith bila harith main phone hanis

Sme: it is still hard for me to talk about her without being choked with tears.

and i dont want harith to remember me talking about her in tears

i think none of us has recovered

cik: Yes I agree. I still get emotional when talking about Maryam. But I think ALL OF US SHOULD TRY to BE NORMAL BOUT MARYAM. Let Harith see her clothes, her things, and you talk about those things freely, without being serious about the subject. Bukan tak sayang lagi but in order to regain normalcy as far as Maryam is concerned.

cik: I'm equally to be blamed - always refraining about talking abt Maryam with you takut you sensitive, although Tam and I talk about her. If you like, we will talk freely about Maryam with you and Harith.

me: maybe you and tam can start talking with harith about her. if you want maybe i can pass Maryam's album so you can show it to harith. coz i cant do that yet

cik: Ok, we will do that. But you have to overcome it very very soon. Perhaps use this Ramadhan for that.

me: a lady wrote to me and she said she took 5-6 years to overcome her daughter's demise

the first year would be the hardest u know, so many 'firsts'

first raya without her,

first birthday without her...

cik: The thought already crossed my mind a few days ago that this Raya is going to be tough for you. For Harith's sake you have to recover before Raya. Celebrating Raya does not mean that you love her less. She also want to celebrate with you in spirit.

cik: Continuously grieving means that you tak redha yang Allah take her back from you. And that is wrong, because Allah always has a right reason for doing things. You can only overcome your grief if you redha. We do not expect you not to be sad but its better than grief.

me: dah redha, cuma the pain still feels fresh

wait till it become a scar tissue, then baru ok kot

cik: Jangan la bagi Maryam jadi a scar. Scars are normally ugly. Let her remain a beautiful memory.

me: can still see her everywhere

I know I must do something to help Abam as well. But i just do not know how and i simply do not have that strength to do so yet.