10 January 2011 - Genap umur Maryam 3 tahun

Dear Maryam,

How are you? first of all, Happy Birthday sayang. I love you. 3 years ago, I delivered a chubby, loud, pink little bundle of joy, and the moment the doctor placed you in my hands, the first thing i said to you was 'Assalamualaikum Maryam'.

But that was 3 years ago.

When you grew up and started talking, you greeted everybody 'Kom Yam' coz that was how I greeted you everyday when I reached home and you opened the door for me with that bright cheerful smile.

But that was more than a year ago.

Last year we had a party for you and Tamtam, both January babies. exactly a year ago I was running around between getting you ready, picking up your birthday cake and decorated it myself.

But this year I woke up with tears in my eyes, I drove to the florist and bought pink roses because pink roses are reserved for special occasions. I tried to hold my tears but it just would not stop.

I kept on thinking, I bought you a birthday cake last year,with pink and yellow butterflies, but how could it be that this year I had to buy pink roses for you? to bring to your grave, of all the places?!

It felt ridiculous but like many things, I had to held my head up high and brace it.

There was nothing more I could do except for saying a little prayer as a token of love and to whisper in the air that I miss you and love you and hope that you can hear me.

I love you, but not enough.

Mama